Wednesday, October 22, 2003
questioning the illusion of reality 10/22/2003
that nerf herder song that chad posted on his blurty courses through my mind even though i don't know anything about it other than the lyrics. 'sorry we broke up sorry i missed you sorry i wanted only to kiss you...' the usual routine online. check blogs. check comics. check other sites. 'what can i do it's over it's over it's over it's over what can i do i am the loser...' just like that. chad's blurty doesn't load on the first try but the popup ad for some stupid matchmaker site pops up with its fake chat window next to a picture of some blonde whore leaning over and showing off her generous cleavage. huge plastic smile pasted on her face. those things always have one or two lines from your supposed match and i glance at it. "Sorry I missed you." well then. like that's not just a slap in the face. i click out of the window and refresh chad's blurty. it comes up and i see that he hasn't updated, so the nerf herder song is still up top. god. can't i escape?
i thought of you almost all day. because i wrote that e-mail this morning. telling you that i still care about you. telling you that i would like to see you, talk to you, anything, but desperately trying to retain some semblance of what i feel is myself: no desperation, even though i desperately want to reach out and touch you. i desperately want to be back with you, lying on the couch watching trainspotting, laughing our asses off at harvey's with your friends after the hilarious movie we saw, picking on you with heather, snuggled on your bed not really paying attention to the television that's on in the corner, although we laugh at all the right places and comment on things from time to time. i want to feel your fingers running along the small of my back, tracing imaginary lines ever-so-lightly in that dangerous zone where my shirt rides up away from my jeans. god i loved the shivers that sent through me. god i still do. i miss giving you that 'look of contempt' i reserve only for you. i remember kyle getting mad that i wouldn't show him what it looked like. i remember i gave it to you the night before we broke up, just before i left my last shift at work. that was one of the few places i saw you regularly. but work doesn't count. it's work. even with the forays into the fridge. doesn't count. didn't count. it was funny but it never did.
you're online sometimes at the same time as me. but you're always on away. i know that doesn't necessarily mean you're not there but it still makes me wonder and i hate initiating the conversations anyway. you should know that. i told you once. maybe more than once. maybe i should start it. i did the other day and didn't get anything in return. i was talking to you a week ago and then out of nowhere you left. "gone to subgay." not even a 'ttyl' or a 'gotta go.' you were just gone. and i hate that. one of my pet peeves. don't think i told you that. still irritating though.
i know you work a lot. too much. i know you go through your days on barely an hour of sleep due to your insomnia and that means when you do have a night off you'd love to spend it with me but are ridiculously tired so it can't be long. even if it's a friday. getting home at nine thirty on a friday, if you could've seen the look on my mother's face. she has learned not to expect me back until near midnight if i go out. she knows i know when it's too late. maybe i should've put that all in past tense. i don't know.
because it all feels the same to me. i have the same feelings now as i did when we were still together, a longing and a wistfulness that permeates my day in jolts at strange moments and runs in the back of my mind from the time i wake up and to when i fall asleep and sometimes even when i dream. it's wishing i could see you and making up what will happen when i do and knowing all along it won't work out that way at all. it's trying to compose what i want to say to you and knowing all along i'll forget what it was or chicken out or both and end up not saying anything. but then i know you wouldn't mind what i said. you never do. we're both like that. defiant, in our own ways.
i see it happening the same way it did when we first kissed. (that was august 5, 2003, i remember, i remember everything.) on a walk. probably not in your neighborhood. maybe in mine. maybe someone else's. maybe during a party like it was on august 5. i'll tell you everything and you'll listen and then you'll tell me everything and i'll listen and then we'll stand there holding hands and just looking at each other, and maybe i'll give you that 'look of contempt' and pull away when you try to kiss me. like you did then. it was fun playing around with you like that. it amused me immensely. but i remember that inside i was also scared, i was worried, i didn't know what i wanted. i hardly knew you (sometimes i feel like i still hardly know you) because i left for quebec two weeks after we first met and while i talked to you there it's not the same. so i held back. you were the first boy to show interest in me in over a year, and what do grade ten relationships say about anything? i didn't know. sometimes i still don't know. but i took the chance. i took the plunge. i thought 'what the hell' and let your lips meet mine for that fleeting moment, and like the dumbass i am i made a dumb comment. and we laughed about it. and we kept walking.
maybe we'll do that when we see each other again. maybe we'll keep walking after making sure the house hasn't burned down and ignore the rain. maybe we'll stand under a tree just holding each other in the shadowed glow of the streetlamps. it'll probably be cold when it happens. november or something. we'll be ignoring snow instead and i'll be shivering and make you keep me warm for a moment before we finally return to the house.
i was nervous in your room. resisting a little again because of it. fall back on the bed, look up at your face, kiss you again and then snuggle up next to you when you move beside me. i'd forgotten what it felt like. i'd forgotten how much i loved it. maybe it'll happen again.
or maybe it won't. maybe it's just too strange, too long, too much and maybe you're not ready. maybe i don't know if i am. maybe i should concentrate on schoolwork. i'm already behind in english. i know i love my independence, you know i refuse to do anything but my own thing, but i love to include others in that. like you. i miss you. i miss you i miss you i miss you i want you here now and i want a hug, no, i need a hug, we didn't even do that. work doesn't count. maybe that did for you but i need a hug. i need to cry. i didn't cry. i wanted to but i held it back at school and then that night i couldn't do it. it's just the breaking of the tiny thread that was holding us together hurt so much even though i knew it was going to break. like ripping off a band-aid. like ripping out part of my heart.
you're not going to read this and i know and i know but i miss you and i don't care. i just needed to let it out, let it go, let it flow. the popup ad set it off. god i hate those things.
that nerf herder song that chad posted on his blurty courses through my mind even though i don't know anything about it other than the lyrics. 'sorry we broke up sorry i missed you sorry i wanted only to kiss you...' the usual routine online. check blogs. check comics. check other sites. 'what can i do it's over it's over it's over it's over what can i do i am the loser...' just like that. chad's blurty doesn't load on the first try but the popup ad for some stupid matchmaker site pops up with its fake chat window next to a picture of some blonde whore leaning over and showing off her generous cleavage. huge plastic smile pasted on her face. those things always have one or two lines from your supposed match and i glance at it. "Sorry I missed you." well then. like that's not just a slap in the face. i click out of the window and refresh chad's blurty. it comes up and i see that he hasn't updated, so the nerf herder song is still up top. god. can't i escape?
i thought of you almost all day. because i wrote that e-mail this morning. telling you that i still care about you. telling you that i would like to see you, talk to you, anything, but desperately trying to retain some semblance of what i feel is myself: no desperation, even though i desperately want to reach out and touch you. i desperately want to be back with you, lying on the couch watching trainspotting, laughing our asses off at harvey's with your friends after the hilarious movie we saw, picking on you with heather, snuggled on your bed not really paying attention to the television that's on in the corner, although we laugh at all the right places and comment on things from time to time. i want to feel your fingers running along the small of my back, tracing imaginary lines ever-so-lightly in that dangerous zone where my shirt rides up away from my jeans. god i loved the shivers that sent through me. god i still do. i miss giving you that 'look of contempt' i reserve only for you. i remember kyle getting mad that i wouldn't show him what it looked like. i remember i gave it to you the night before we broke up, just before i left my last shift at work. that was one of the few places i saw you regularly. but work doesn't count. it's work. even with the forays into the fridge. doesn't count. didn't count. it was funny but it never did.
you're online sometimes at the same time as me. but you're always on away. i know that doesn't necessarily mean you're not there but it still makes me wonder and i hate initiating the conversations anyway. you should know that. i told you once. maybe more than once. maybe i should start it. i did the other day and didn't get anything in return. i was talking to you a week ago and then out of nowhere you left. "gone to subgay." not even a 'ttyl' or a 'gotta go.' you were just gone. and i hate that. one of my pet peeves. don't think i told you that. still irritating though.
i know you work a lot. too much. i know you go through your days on barely an hour of sleep due to your insomnia and that means when you do have a night off you'd love to spend it with me but are ridiculously tired so it can't be long. even if it's a friday. getting home at nine thirty on a friday, if you could've seen the look on my mother's face. she has learned not to expect me back until near midnight if i go out. she knows i know when it's too late. maybe i should've put that all in past tense. i don't know.
because it all feels the same to me. i have the same feelings now as i did when we were still together, a longing and a wistfulness that permeates my day in jolts at strange moments and runs in the back of my mind from the time i wake up and to when i fall asleep and sometimes even when i dream. it's wishing i could see you and making up what will happen when i do and knowing all along it won't work out that way at all. it's trying to compose what i want to say to you and knowing all along i'll forget what it was or chicken out or both and end up not saying anything. but then i know you wouldn't mind what i said. you never do. we're both like that. defiant, in our own ways.
i see it happening the same way it did when we first kissed. (that was august 5, 2003, i remember, i remember everything.) on a walk. probably not in your neighborhood. maybe in mine. maybe someone else's. maybe during a party like it was on august 5. i'll tell you everything and you'll listen and then you'll tell me everything and i'll listen and then we'll stand there holding hands and just looking at each other, and maybe i'll give you that 'look of contempt' and pull away when you try to kiss me. like you did then. it was fun playing around with you like that. it amused me immensely. but i remember that inside i was also scared, i was worried, i didn't know what i wanted. i hardly knew you (sometimes i feel like i still hardly know you) because i left for quebec two weeks after we first met and while i talked to you there it's not the same. so i held back. you were the first boy to show interest in me in over a year, and what do grade ten relationships say about anything? i didn't know. sometimes i still don't know. but i took the chance. i took the plunge. i thought 'what the hell' and let your lips meet mine for that fleeting moment, and like the dumbass i am i made a dumb comment. and we laughed about it. and we kept walking.
maybe we'll do that when we see each other again. maybe we'll keep walking after making sure the house hasn't burned down and ignore the rain. maybe we'll stand under a tree just holding each other in the shadowed glow of the streetlamps. it'll probably be cold when it happens. november or something. we'll be ignoring snow instead and i'll be shivering and make you keep me warm for a moment before we finally return to the house.
i was nervous in your room. resisting a little again because of it. fall back on the bed, look up at your face, kiss you again and then snuggle up next to you when you move beside me. i'd forgotten what it felt like. i'd forgotten how much i loved it. maybe it'll happen again.
or maybe it won't. maybe it's just too strange, too long, too much and maybe you're not ready. maybe i don't know if i am. maybe i should concentrate on schoolwork. i'm already behind in english. i know i love my independence, you know i refuse to do anything but my own thing, but i love to include others in that. like you. i miss you. i miss you i miss you i miss you i want you here now and i want a hug, no, i need a hug, we didn't even do that. work doesn't count. maybe that did for you but i need a hug. i need to cry. i didn't cry. i wanted to but i held it back at school and then that night i couldn't do it. it's just the breaking of the tiny thread that was holding us together hurt so much even though i knew it was going to break. like ripping off a band-aid. like ripping out part of my heart.
you're not going to read this and i know and i know but i miss you and i don't care. i just needed to let it out, let it go, let it flow. the popup ad set it off. god i hate those things.
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
Howzas... 10/8/2003
From:
"Lance M."
To:
reckless_abandon182@hotmail.com
Subject:
Howzas...
Date:
Tue, 07 Oct 2003 23:37:14 -0400
Hey...
Anyways, if you didn't notice tonight, I was kinda quiet. Actually, I was really quiet. Anyways, I was thinking. I think it's time that we throw in the towel. Things aren't really going to get any better, and I don't think that it's worth putting either of us through the stress of having to deal with each other like this anymore.
Seeing someone once a week, at best, is not a relationship. Talking, maybe twice a week is not a relationship. I know I'm mostly to blame for this, because I tend to work, just a little too much, and some things suffer, like you.
Maybe I just need some time to figure out what I need in life, and what I need to get there. Maybe it's just bad timing, I guess. I don't rightly know right now. I know that this is probabily better, because I don't want to hurt you anymore.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Lance.
kumquat smoothies all
jenna d.
previous entry : not asking of me anything next entry: Offside Manitoba.
Notes from readers :
This entry accepts ALL NOTES. Leave a Note
Delete?
Aw. I'm sorry.. [Static Inertia]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
that's not good, I'm sorry...
sounds familiar though..
chad
From:
"Lance M."
To:
reckless_abandon182@hotmail.com
Subject:
Howzas...
Date:
Tue, 07 Oct 2003 23:37:14 -0400
Hey...
Anyways, if you didn't notice tonight, I was kinda quiet. Actually, I was really quiet. Anyways, I was thinking. I think it's time that we throw in the towel. Things aren't really going to get any better, and I don't think that it's worth putting either of us through the stress of having to deal with each other like this anymore.
Seeing someone once a week, at best, is not a relationship. Talking, maybe twice a week is not a relationship. I know I'm mostly to blame for this, because I tend to work, just a little too much, and some things suffer, like you.
Maybe I just need some time to figure out what I need in life, and what I need to get there. Maybe it's just bad timing, I guess. I don't rightly know right now. I know that this is probabily better, because I don't want to hurt you anymore.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Lance.
kumquat smoothies all
jenna d.
previous entry : not asking of me anything next entry: Offside Manitoba.
Notes from readers :
This entry accepts ALL NOTES. Leave a Note
Delete?
Aw. I'm sorry.. [Static Inertia]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
that's not good, I'm sorry...
sounds familiar though..
chad
